Time to show restraint

Michael Gove says that we will have to ‘show restraint’ in our shopping habits when stores reopen in mid-June. We won’t be allowed to try on clothes & shoes, or test make-up. Essentially, like my mother used to say, don’t bloody touch it unless you’re going to buy it. It’ll be like internet shopping, but you have to pay for parking and run the risk of catching a deadly disease. Such fun – buy one shoe, get one fatal lung malfunction free.

We will be allowed to meet others in private gardens, so long as we stick to the physical distance guidelines. Good news, particularly for grandparents, but it seems that most people started doing this weeks ago and that the public as a whole are a few steps ahead of the official guidance – which nobody has really tried to enforce.

The problem is with the quality of the messengers. None of the cabinet inspire any confidence that they have the remotest clue. Take Matt Hancock, our beleaguered Health Secretary, for example. You can tell that he’s as surprised as we are that he’s in this position because he looks completely bewildered when the press asks him a question. He’s like a crap supply teacher faced with a class that knows more about the subject than he does.

But that’s what you get when you relegate anyone with a spine to the backbenches, and all you have left to to form a cabinet from is a small group of supine cretins.